My lazy all consumed ass full of excuses anytime a challenge arises has veered away from writing for all too long. Here goes my current mind’s frenzy of thoughts:
I did not have a deep connection to Linkin Park or Chester Bennington, I did own a CD of theirs at one point though. My connection is that I suffer from depression. Not to sound coldhearted, but I did not shed a tear or think too deeply about the news. I don’t like to dwell on news that is sad because sometimes it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and then I find myself in a stupor, also why I don’t like watching the news.
Initially, when I hear about a suicide I think about how selfish it is. It seems dramatic and self serving. But then as I start to get down on myself about taking a story so lightly, I have to really think back. I suffer from depression, however, when I am happy, the feeling of depression and how bad it feels is not near in my memory. When I am happy, or even-keel, lets say that- the strong emotions brought on by a depressive episode are so subdued and remote that I forget how bad it actually feels. I have to remember when I would talk my negative self talk in my own head. I have to remember what those lonely conversations were like.
It was an awful carousel ride that I couldn’t get off of. It was constant anxiety and worry. It was impossible to enjoy anything. EVERYTHING felt like work. You want so badly to be able to control at least one happy thought. Not to be too transparent, but having a bowel movement was the highlight of my day. I swear, I’m not saying it to be funny but because its the truth. Think about it. When you come home from a long day and have the urge, you go and what do you feel after? That’s right, better! It was the only thing that gave me temporary distraction and relief.
So on with depression I go. Then like a cloud passing by the sun I would have a glimmer of hope and happiness, just to know that the next cloud probably wasn’t too far off. If you have actually felt depression before you might be sitting there thinking- this girl is spot on. However, if you have never been in the thralls of a full blown depressive episode lasting more than a couple weeks, you’re probably thinking, “What the F is this bitch talking about?”
What I am talking about is this: depression is real. No, it is not tangible. There is no lab work or radio-graphic imaging that can be done to diagnose it. It will not leave a rash on any of your extremities. Actually, sidenote- at the tail end of my last “Great Depression” I developed a rash called pityriasis rosea that lasted for several months and made me to look like a leper. It is a rash that is of unknown etiology and is self limiting. I think I now the etiology of my case though! My body was wiggin’ out from being in flight or fight mode for eight months strait!
Back to Bennington, it is true. IT (depression) can get that bad. You have these feelings for so long they start to drive you crazy and in turn your reality becomes very different from everyone elses reality. A person in a healthy state of mind may see a beautiful two month old baby and be in awe, want to hold it, smell its head and in turn their blood pressure would probably become reduced. A depressed person would not see the beauty. They would see a beautiful baby that would bring the slightest bit of joy to anyone’s day, and immediately feel overwhelmed and start to think of all the downsides to a baby. “Oh, imagine all the diapers you have to change, what if you can’t find a babysitter, they are so expensive, they cry all the time, imagine how many times a day you have to change their outfits.” When you are depressed everything seems like work and just thinking of things causes severe fatigue.
So as I was saying, I remember thinking, “There has to be a way to make this stop. I cannot keep acting and slugging through my days like this. I AM MISERABLE!” I was calling my psychiatrist’s office weekly, sending emails- I was desperate! I am too afraid to kill myself, and I always think of my loved ones no matter how bad my situation gets. I love my people so much that if I had to, I would probably live my life in torment than put them through something that traumatic. On another note, maybe I have never experienced my depression long enough or maybe it just hasn’t gotten severe enough. I believe that with all suicides comes psychoses. When you are psychotic, you are not all there. I’d like to think that every person that has taken their life was temporarily not all there. They were hallucinating, delusional , etc. I don’t believe a person can be in their “right mind” and follow through with a suicide.
I have been on a journey as all of us are. This journey has led me to great peaks, especially in the last year. In August 2016 I married the love of my life at my childhood church with twenty people in attendance. It was one of the most inexplicably beautiful days ever! We just had our “real wedding” just over a month ago, but we will get back to that in a little bit. December I graduated from nursing school. Valentine’s Day this year I passed the NCLEX, also known as “the state boards” and became a licensed registered nurse. About a month later I got hired by my first choice hospital, on my first choice unit. I started my “dream job” in April. Then at the end of April, my family threw me a beautiful bridal shower. At the end of May I went to wine-country for an amazing two night bachelorette extravaganza with some of the most awesome girls I know! THEN June rolled around. I started on the night shift working 7pm-7am. I worked my first week of night shifts, three in a row to be exact and at the end of that week hopped on a red-eye to make my way to Massachusetts, Cape Cod actually. On June 17th 2017 we had the most gorgeous backyard wedding in a quaint little village named Cotuit. Cotuit is where my heart is when I feel like I need to escape California. Every joint in my body aches for Cotuit when my check engine light appears on the dashboard during my crazy journey, my life.
In one paragraph I have probably made any reader out there exhausted. Like, screw this biotch and all the great things that have come her way in the last year. I will let you know that none of it came easy and I chugged like the little choo-choo train chugs to make all those wonderful things happen. In 2011 I graduated University with a bachelors degree in communication studies. I chose that major because I didn’t want to do any more math and science if I could help it. Also, it was broad, I didn’t have any burning passions at the time and lastly, because I had always entertained the idea of journalism or becoming a news anchor or an author. I know, it sounds so vein to say, “I wanted to be a news anchor,” especially because I don’t even like watching the news. Also, I always feel like I’m a hypocrite for wanting to be an author one day because I don’t feel I’m worthy due to my lack of reading. Why would you write if you don’t read. Ok, so I read, but I feel like if you want to be an author you should read a shit load if you don’t want to be a hypocrite. Hey, I’ve been known to have illogical thoughts from time to time, so don’t mind me.
On that note, of illogical thoughts, lets get back on track. My mind is going a million miles a minute- I don’t event think it knows exactly which point it wants to make. But I sit here, on our couch that has been handed down twice before it became ours in our “tiny house” as I call it and type this at 0502, yes in the morning. This is because I cannot sleep after working three night shifts in a row. I totally jinxed myself because I was telling everyone what a great transition it has been so far and then, like a ton of bricks, I was hit with a shit storm of shitty shifts. I am still precepting, or in training as most people would understand it. The confidence that God has afforded my over the last year is quickly dwindling away. Maybe you could even say that I have “been swindled” or had it sucked out of me.
Let’s back track some more. How did I even get to the point of graduating nursing school? Well, like I said I got that degree and sat on it for a year as I continued to work my server job at the Cafe that is perched on the third floor of Nordstom. Thankfully I worked for a miserable little man whose misery was infectious. Due to the misery I became motivated after the holiday season of 2012 to get on the job hunt. I got hired by a third party administrator called Sedgwick as a workers’ compensation claims examiner. Ironically, this company handles all of the leave of absences and workers comp cases for both Nordstrom and Providence, my new employer.
I was just so excited to get the F out of my serving job, away from my miserable boss and into a “professional position.” I took a chance, and that is what life is about, right? As Einstein said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So I started out on this journey that began with taking a chance on something new and within less than three months I found myself in a deep pool of depression. It was my third major bout with depression, but my longest lasting one. It was hell on earth, it was like a mortal Purgatory.
Signing off for now…my hunger is getting the best of me.