So it has been quite some time since I have turned to WordPress for therapy purposes. My world has turned upside down since the last entry. I am now more than a year past my most severe episode of depression. My depression began last March (of 2013). My friend said odd years are just that–odd. After the suffering of last year I would have to agree, or I would just have to agree because I would like to hope that “even” years are my breath of fresh air, as 2014 has treated me well. Despite the fact that my future father-in-law died, January 4th of this year, and this event set a dismal tone, the year has reinflated much since his passing. Yes, it is hard for me to empathize with my fiancee as the death of a beloved parent is one which is unfathomable. It is an experience which robs you of your breath- the most coveted and vital activity. Yes, breath-it keeps you going, and if your body can help it-it is an involuntary action. It is the action that carries us. Even when we don’t want to voluntarily chooch our own trains-our pulmonary arteries beg to differ so long as they are provided with ample resources to preservere.
SO I ramble, let me! Although I cannot mention in my sober speech, this is my dream. My ultimate dream is to be an author. One that can make a living off her words. So my words are raw, and nothing of the late Maya Angelou’s-they are words that mean much to me, and that are my talent. I cannot sing, and though I am somewhat academically inclined in that I have the discipline it takes to pass some courses, I have learned this past semester I am no genius! I do not contain the gene that permits photographic memory, or the gene that allows Steven Hawkins to thrive despite his physical incapabilities. I am human, I like to garden. I like to lay on the beach; I hate to exercise, I love to stay in touch with my siblings, and my parents are my best friends. I enjoy playing tennis if it is an available means of entertainment. I enjoy pretending to know more about wine than I actually do. Lets just say the only thing I excel at (involving the grape) is that I can get to the end of a bottle and still have the nuts and bolts to write a snippet in a blog and somewhat edit it upon posting it.
I enjoy making others feel noticed and appreciated. I thrive off the fact that someone, anybody willing to, can look up to me and say, “She has got her head on her shoulders and I think she can teach me something.” I love my siblings: Joey, Billy, and Julia. They are the extremities that I have been given to help me lift my down-spirits when they cannot peel themselves up from the tar-ridden ground. They are some of the most important reasons I preservere, fight my disease, and push on-even though it is toward a future I am not sure I am destined to lead.
I am currently enrolled in Anatomy and Microbiology. I am not performing stellar-ly in either class-but I am performing. I am facing a fear I have had for over half a century. I have feared that these classes were something I could not follow through with. Here I am 9/10ths through the semester-passing. I can do it. I can do what I set my mind to. I can face my fears and beat them with a stick. I can do.
It feels good and I have no regrets. For now this is my path.
I just want to thank God. I have not been to church in a quite some time. Maybe it has ben six months, but I do believe in a power beyond me. One that has a plan-one that cannot be foreseen for we are too limited to comprehend. We are only strapped with the capability to have faith. I have recently learned how to maintain faith. I know I will need boosters to maintain my faith-as sometimes we are thrown curve balls that may cause these strong feeling of hope to diminish. But I promise God I will never forget the power you returned to the palm of my hands. I will never forget the dignity, the spirit and the honesty you restored to my soul. I prayed hard enough, apparently, and I received. Thank you. I did not want to take my life. I knew that if I continued down the path I was going, eventually it would lead to that being one of my prime options. As for those 8 months that were interrupted by maybe sevens days at most of refuge, I felt agony I have never felt. I felt agony that did not dissipate and if it did it only returned full-fledged. I felt something that was a midpoint between purgatory and hell. It was indescribable. But most importantly, I am no longer there and I know its because you knew in your heart that you had a plan for me. You knew you could work through me or make an example of me. I will listen to you although I may not always participate in the activities you would prefer me to, I will always kep an open mind. I am still human, but I am your child.